Who Ate My Cookies?
by Northsky
Summary: Xigbar discovers that eating Saix's precious cookies just to piss him off is not a very good idea. [Oneshot. Crackfic. SaixXigbar]


**Who Ate My Cookies? **

**Writer's block is over! Yay! OK everyone, this is a Saix/Xigbar pairing!! Anyone who does not like guy/guy pairings do not read any further!! **

**Warning: Contains mild sexual content, crazy guy love, blood, and a very angry Saix. If you do not want your head bitten off for reading this story or you can't stand any of the others mentioned above please, please do not read on. If you do and are completely scarred for life, please to not blame me. I put up a warning sign. For the others who are willing to brave Saix's wrath, enjoy this crackfic!**

**Disclaimer: No matter how much I beg, cry, or whine, Kingdom Hearts will never be mine……. (sob...)**

Saix's sullen footsteps echoed down the long white hallway towards the kitchen. He had spent half the day sitting in meetings and listening to his superior create useless plans on how to defeat the Keyblade Master while Marluxia exclaimed about how beautiful his orchids turned out to be. The other half of the day was spent barricaded in his room, serenading to his precious Kingdom Hearts.

Only after he was sure that all 12 members of the Organization were back in their rooms did he come out. The Luna Diviner wasn't sure that he could take anymore of his comrade's antics without tearing someone to pieces.

He was mostly avoiding number two though. Apparently he was Xigbar's target of the week. Yes, it seems every week, the Freeshooter chooses a victim for his childish pranks. This week it was him. For the past four days Xigbar has been slowly, oh so slowly pushing the Luna Diviner towards that thin line that divides Saix's sanity and insanity. Saix is now teetering on the very edge, with one of his toes touching the land of madness, and the rest of his body threatening to follow.

Saix sighed inwardly, at least there's only a few more days left. Hopefully, Xigbar will tire of him and move on. He doesn't know how long it will be before he himself will finally snap. He continued down the colorless hallway, turning left and right at corridors. The castle was designed so the new members will easily get lost in it. Saix had already memorized the whole layout of the castle, having been appointed the job of dragging Demyx or Roxas out of the maze when they were lost. But that was all before he became second in command of course.

Turning at the last corridor, he saw the yellow light of the kitchen, strangely adding colors to the white corridor. Saix's mouth turned up a bit at the thought of the treat he had left for himself in the kitchen that morning.

Little did the other organization members know, the fearsome Luna Diviner has a sweet tooth. Besides Saix's "obsession" (as Marluxia would put it) for the heart-shaped moon that hanged outside his giant bedroom window, he was also obsessed with sweets. No one knows—well except for the Superior.

The Superior seemed to know everything. Saix's eyebrows shifted slightly as he imagined the the steel-colored hair nobody in his room, flipping through his underwear drawer and reading his diary. Not that Saix has a diary. There was a difference between a diary and a journal, Saix is sure of that. Right?

Walking into the well lit kitchen, Saix looked at the kitchen counter, expecting a plate piled high with his favorite treat—cookies. What he saw made him stop. There was a plate there alright. There was a plate, but no cookies—just crumbs. Saix's eyes widened just a bit, his eyebrows lifted just a bit, and the corners of his normally upside down grin dropped down just a bit. He heard crunching, and shifted his yellow gaze from the empty white plate to a lean black figure sitting on the kitchen stool. It was strange, how members of the Organization could consume so much yet still maintain such an hourglass figure.

There sat the Freeshooter, cloaked in black with a glass of milk in one hand, and a chocolate-chip cookie in his mouth. Saix saw that the chocolate-chip cookie resembled the ones that were previously in the white plate that morning.

Xigbar looked up with one eye, the other hidden behind a black cloth patch, and gave the Luna Diviner a lopsided grin, all the while taking a big chomp out of the cookie.

"Yo," he greeted the blue haired nobody while chewing so Saix could see every single slobber filled crumbs going around in the Freeshooter's mouth. Saix's eyelid twitched. Xigbar lifted up the glass and drank the glass of milk in one gulp, swallowed, and zap, there went half of the cookie.

Xigbar seemed to notice Saix watching every single one of his move intently, so stuffing the rest of the cookie into his mouth he jumped off the tall wooden stool and walked up to Saix.

"What are you staring at me for, dude?" He asked, towering over the younger man. Saix trembled; Xigbar had finally pushed him over the borderline. When Xigbar swallowed that last bite and walked over to the white fridge for more milk, Saix snapped.

"Xigbar," he growled dangerously. Xigbar turned around and stared at the Luna Diviner. A dangerous aura was surrounding the crazed nobody. His hair stood up like a startled cat's and his eyes rolled back until only yellow showed. Xigbar slammed the fridge door shut, turning to face number VII. Saix had a lot of patience, but when it wore thin, his tantrums are disastrous. Stick 100 candy-deprived children, ready to throw a fit in one room and you get Saix when he's in one of those "episodes".

"Yes, Saix?" Ever the clown, number II placed both fist on his waist and cooed at the mad dog. Saix growled in reply and grabbed Xigbar's cloak by the front, giving it a shake that rattled Xigbar's brain and made his hair tie come flying loose. He threw Xigbar onto the lone kitchen counter in the middle of the kitchen, sending the plate sliding across the counter and onto to the ground with a loud crash. Stalking after his prey, the berserker jumped onto the kitchen counter, straddled Xigbar, and grabbed his cloak again. Looking into Xigbar's single yellow eye he snarled, "My cookies, Xigbar."

Xigbar tried to pull back, but when Saix is in one of his moods, there's no stopping the younger man. "Hey, hey! I know you have a sweet tooth but this is ridiculous!"

Saix glared at him. Xemnas was the only one who knew.

"How do you know?" He asked the older man, his voice coming out in a throaty growl.

"The Superior told me," Xigbar grinned and shrugged, it was as if the graveness of the situation eluded him. Saix cocked one of his baby blue eyebrows.

"I did not know that you higher-ups like to form gossip groups." Sarcasm was practically dripping off Saix's way too sharp fangs. Xigbar laughed, who knew that the crazy Saix actually has a sense of humor, albeit a bit dry. If he wasn't in danger of being torn to pieces, Xigbar would make that side of him come out a bit more. He certainly is capable of fulfilling the requirements.

"There's nothing else better for us to do," he bantered.

The grip on his cloak suddenly tightened.

"You knew then. You knew, but you still ate it," Saix snarled in Xigbar's face, his gleaming teeth threatening to bite his nose off.

"Couldn't help it," Xigbar laughed again, but his laugh was suddenly cut off by another round of shaking that jerked his head around like a rag doll, getting silver-streaked black hair in his face and banging his head on the cold white marble of the counter a few times.

"Stop it! Dude, stop it!!" Xigbar shouted while his head snapped back and forth, threatening to roll off his head any minute.

"Give them back to me!" Saix roared while he shook the scrawny man back and forth. Suddenly he stopped and dropped Xigbar back onto the counter. Xigbar's head cracked against the cold marble and he yelped, clutching his head. "Spit them out, I'll spit them out for ya…sheesh…" Number II drawled, mind scattered and seeing stars.

"Duuude. That really hurts." He whined, but stopped when he saw that crazy gleam in Saix's yellow eyes. Xigbar was feeling more and more like a pinned down rabbit from where he is laying now. Saix leaned down and whispered in Xigbar's pointed ear.

"I'm going to make you pay, Xiggy." The nickname bestowed upon the Freeshooter made him wince. "I'm going to make you pay for all 12 of those chocolate chip cookies you have now in your stomach." At the word "stomach", Saix gave a hard poke in the mentioned spot. Xigbar grimaced, he was pretty sure that soon there will be no number 2 in the organization, Xaldin will soon take his place as number two and Organization 13 will become Organization 12 which, in Xigbar's opinion doesn't sound nearly as good.

Any smart person in this situation will break down in tears and beg for mercy. Xigbar is not a smart person. Zexion claimed that not only does the sniper have no heart, he also has no brains.

"Well what are you going to do? Make me puke out the cookies?" The cruel smile on Saix's face made Xigbar instantly regret his words.

"H-hey, I was just kidding. You actually believed me? I was just—hey, hey! What are you doing Saix! Woah! Bad doggie! Bad doggie!!" Xigbar yelled in surprise as Saix began unzipping his black organization cloak with much jerking and pulling and a savage look in his eyes.

"Saix! Snap out of it! You hormone crazed dog! There's no moon right now, what the hell do you think you're doing? Get off of me! Don't ya come near me like that!" Xigbar's jumble of yells was cutoff by a harsh kiss. Saix pushed his lips into the older man's, piercing Xigbar's lips with his fangs and drawing blood. Number II's arms waved around for a few minutes but he ultimately gave up, knowing that there is nothing he can do to stop Saix, who really, was well known for this strange kind of torture.

Saix pulled back, licking his lips and savoring the taste of the salty blood on his tongue. Blood can compare with cookies, but he preferred cookies. He observed Xigbar and gave a small chuckle. He seemed to be in mild state of shock. His lips were bloody and his jacket was half off. The cloak was giving Saix much problems and he doesn't have the patience to slowly jerk the tangled zipper free and unzip it. The Luna Diviner, cruel in every which way, knew that after he was through with this, he wouldn't have to worry about number II coming near him ever again. He'll give him enough pain to last him a lifetime. Xigbar on the other hand, was more concerned about himself. His lips were hurting and he was pretty sure that they were a bloody mess.

Xigbar shivered when Saix's gloved hand began exploring his half exposed chest. Suddenly, all was red, crimson. He grimaced. More scars to keep as memory. These ones told him not to eat Saix's cookies next time. Saix smiled creepily and licked his now dark red fingers.

"That stings, you know." Xigbar said, placing a kicked-puppy look on his face. It wasn't the most convincing face, for what kind of puppy has scars and an eye patch? Saix did not reply but bent down to lap up the blood running down Xigbar's chest, cleaning it like a cat, feeling Xigbar's tremors underneath his tongue's probing.

Xigbar gasp when sharpened fingers slash away the rest of the cloak, leaving him sitting on the kitchen counter with only his red boxers. Xigbar sat up, grimacing from the cold marble. Saix hissed at Xigbar's sudden movement, and scratched him. Xigbar immediately lay back down, trying his best not to get decapitated by those sharp gloved claw.

"You're gonna have to explain to the Superior why my cloak is in itty-bitty pieces," Xigbar murmured in Saix's ear as the psychotic nobody bent down for another bloody kiss. Xigbar is sure that by the end of this, he will not have any lips left. The blood from his lips painted Saix's pale lips bright red, only to disappear when Saix licked them off.

"I'll just tell him that you ate my cookies," Saix muttered back in his long elfish ears all the while nibbling on it.

"I'm not a cookie just to let you know!" Xigbar whined as Saix nearly gave him an ear piercing with his teeth.

"You taste much better." Saix said, his voice deep and full of lust. The hairs on the back of Xigbar's neck stood up and he grumbled something about the freezing marble top.

"Cold?" Saix teased as he pulled off his gloves and explored every single inch of Xigbar's sinewy, scarred chest, leaving a trail of red after his fingers, while his tongue cleaned up after the trickling of blood.

"I thought you were a sweet tooth…" Xigbar muttered as he watched more scars get added to his chest. Saix's fingers moved down, down, down, making the seconds trail out longer than necessary. He felt Xigbar wriggled underneath him impatiently, and the look on his face told him everything: _Get the hell on with it._

Saix grinned, the first whole expression he had shown while teasing Xigbar. His teeth gleamed, making his incisors looked even sharper; his yellow eyes glowed with the look of insanity and lust. He could see that same look in Xigbar's single eye, just minus the insanity. The Freeshooter won't be lusting anymore after Saix's through with him.

"I told you that I would make you pay. Who said I was going to let you get off the hook so easily? I want my cookies back, but making you suffer is good too."

"You're so heartless," Xigbar managed to gasp out before Saix bit and sucked the weak spot on his neck.

"Yes I am, and so are you." Saix gave a deep laugh and brought up both of his hands (to Xigbar's bitter disappointment, he was almost there…) to tangle his sharp fingers in his silver streaked black hair, jerking his head back for another stinging kiss accompanied with a nip on his lip.

"I don't need a haircut, just so you know." Xigbar joked as soon as he got his breath back. He watched Saix's movements carefully, trying not to move his head around too much for fear of getting an unwanted trim. Saix gave a jerk on Xigbar's hair, not enough to pull them out, but enough to sting. Xigbar moved his hand (which at the time was being pinned down by Saix's knees quite painfully) and grabbed a handful of the crazy blue hair in respond. Gently pulling Saix down, he planted playful kisses along Saix's jaw.

Saix pushed him down roughly, growling, "I'm the one giving the punishment here, not you." Damn the old hag. Does he not know of defeat? At that he pulled the Freeshooter up in a sitting position and made his marks on his back. The white of the marble contrasted sharply with the deep red of the nobody's blood.

"You're cleaning that up later," Xigbar moaned as Saix breathed into his ear. Saix's fingers began playfully messing with the elastic band of Xigbar's boxers.

"Hurry up, will you?" Xigbar wanted to yell at Saix but managed to maintain some self control—barely. Saix slowly pulled down one side of the boxer teasingly, exposing half of his bony hip, his fingers leaving another red welt on Xigbar's white skin.

"Don't add scars there too," He whined. Saix gave him a devilish grin, intending to do just that. His fingers curled around the elastic band. That territory is now his…

"Will you two old geezers please get a room?!" An irritated voice made an equally irritated Saix and Xigbar turn around. Larxene with a bad case of bed head stood there, in a black silk nightdress, looking ready to fry anyone who talks or even look her way. She had gone to the kitchen for a glass of water, only to find two old men shagging each other on the kitchen counter.

"Gee, what is this world coming to? I'm getting my ass out of here as soon as I get my heart back," Larxene mumbled as she got a glass out of the cabinet and filled it with cold water from the fridge. The two men were frozen in spot, watching Larxene gulp down her water. Saix had a mildly annoyed face on, unhappy with being interrupted while Xigbar looked on with amusement. Larxene placed the cup in the sink for Demyx to wash and gave them a final glare before setting off to her bedroom.

"Oh and don't forget to clean up the blood." She growled before disappearing.

"That was awkward." Xigbar commented, before he was cut off with a loud rip. Looking down he frowned.

"Now you owe me a new pair of boxers too."

_The next night_

"You ate my cookies again." Saix looked at the empty plate with a frown. Xigbar wiped the crumbs off his mouth and smacked his lips in satisfaction. "They were really good too." He was soon thrown onto the now clean kitchen counter once again. The plate crashed loudly to the ground.

"At this rate we're going to run out of plates."

Saix only grunted in reply as he climbed up after him, hands already reaching for his cloak zipper. Guess last night's lesson did not strike through Number II's head.

"Please try not to rip my clothes again," were Xigbar's only words before he was cut off with the sounds of clothes tearing.

**Woah, that did not came out as I had planned. Apparently my perverted side decided to kick me out of the seat and finish the rest of the story. I tried not to put in too much details because I wanted to rate this as a T, not a M. Well anyways, review and tell me if you like it or completely hate this bizarre pairing….**


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